So, when are you getting married?
This seems to be the question doing the rounds in Kathmandu these days; a topic of conversation more popular than that of weather in England or cricket in India. It is a question unavoidable by girls in their mid-twenties. If it is not one’s parents, it is one’s aunts and uncles; if not them it is the married friends. It is a question that poses genuine concern to women of my age as it becomes a reason for sleepless nights and unfamiliar angst that is constantly punching us just below the belt.
Sure we have been lucky as many parents will point out. We are a generation of youth who did not have to survive by sucking on lemons in mosquito infested dormitories in Benares. We had the opportunity to go to America and England. We are a generation of youth who was not forced into arranged marriages as teenagers.
Would this be possible if we were born fifty years ago? Probably not.
So yes, things have changed, but how much?
Nepalese women in their mid-twenties like me have sure been lucky. We have been brought up like sons, as many parents like to point out. They have left no stone unturned when it comes to giving us the best possible education, within their means. I am sure women of my age can remember vividly the many instances when our mothers said to us, ‘My daughter is going to be a career woman. She will grow up to be self sufficient and will not have to rely on a man to live her life the way she wants to. ’
Yes, we sure have been lucky so far.
I know many girls of my age who have gone abroad to study and have returned to Nepal empowered with impressive degrees. They have returned home, driven by a desire to use their education that they were so fortunate to have in doing something productive; something that will allow them to give back to the community whilst leading stimulating and satisfying lives. These ambitions however very often are being thwarted or stalled when that ever so popular and unavoidable question hits them like an irritating, unexpected gust of wind.
So, when are you planning to get married?
These strong, able and intelligent young women suddenly find themselves sucked in to this manufactured cycle of meeting men picked by their parents which inevitably leads to manufactured consent as their strong will slowly erodes. Their days swamped by mundane meetings with unfamiliar men. Undeniably, there are a few parents who are liberal enough to give their daughters timelines or should I say deadlines – one year, two years and three years if they are lucky to get used to the idea of marriage. Some women know they have hit the jackpot when their parents even concede to the idea of meeting a man of their choice. But there is a catch of course. Certain boxes have to be ticked:
Acceptable caste – check
Acceptable family background – Check
Acceptable occupation – Check
Yes, things have surely changed.
We understand that our parents are conditioned by a society which relies on the traditional institution of marriage and thus no matter how ambitious they were bringing their daughters up and protecting them from the patriarchal shackles, sooner or later the sub conscious kicks in and the adherence to the demands of the society takes hold. Their once innocent approach driven by aspiration is weighed down by the urge to get their daughters married before the biological clock stops ticking. The threat of having an old spinster for a daughter becomes the material for hellish nightmares. But what they do not understand is an educated Nepalese woman does not necessarily hate the idea of marriage. She is after all still a product of the same society that shaped the psyche of her parents. She is just more used to making her own choices and is more used to the idea of free will. We can put the blame on education for that.
An unknown author once said, ‘Never let the hand you hold, hold you down. ‘ Our parents held our hands and promised us a life of unlimited possibilities and delivered on those promises for which we are very grateful but now that we are equipped with the will and the ability to plan our own lives we cannot let them hold us down. And this is not an anti-marriage rant because trust me, we are the marrying kind. We just want to be able to choose the right time and the right man.
